Thursday, March 10, 2011
Deconstruction and reclamation
Sometimes you reclaim your life with big choices, large shifts that ripple outward indefinitely. Sometimes it's in something as simple as a Sam's Club membership or calling the dentist to tell them your ex is no longer on your insurance.
Those were my moments this week. My moments of detanglement that let my spirit breathe a little lighter, let me release more of the past with all it's curled up tendrils wending their way through my life in ways I can't predict.
I tried to remove Bleu from my Sam's Club membership and they explained that I couldn't do it, because he was the primary signer. So I removed myself and paid for a new membership. One with "Faces by Ren" as the business and it made me smile. "Mine" can have such power, even for a person who craves community.
We're signing papers this week and I didn't realize a year ago, just how good it would feel to get to this point. I thought I would be more sad....but mostly I'm just relieved. It's bittersweet of course. I can't help but wonder why I used so many years trying to put energy into something that ultimately would not nurture me or nurture family connections.
The most interesting part of this process was meeting my soulmate. Nothing I had planned or even thought I desired. What a journey it's been though. I am constantly amazed at the rich texture life takes on when you're traveling with a kindred spirit, one for whom I do not have to explain "why" or "how". One who nurtures all facets of me and accepts the dark. Someone I can be fully myself with and grow as an artist and a human.
I stated very clearly that I did not want to "date"....and I haven't. But neither did I plan to pick up the pieces of my deconstructed life with such an amazing partner and friend. I went down the up-path. We're building a future that looks pretty darn interesting. A future that includes (but never limited to) building that hobbit house and opening an art co-op...dreams that lay dormant far too long for both of us.
There is a joy in destruction, a cleansing that happens when one let's go and dives into the deep end. I'm ready to build again though. Build and dream and do....with a life partner that wants to do the same.
This week I reclaimed my life with the simple act of a Sam's Club membership. Next week? Well who knows. But for now I am content.