Strange dreams made me restless last night. I awake in the dark, unable to sleep. Did some a Kundalini meditation which made me feel better but no more capable of sleep. Mind racing, I finally recognize the futility and decide to take advantage of a sunrise for once.
The house was quiet at 6:30am...the most subtle wash of light beginning to creep in as I pad upstairs to make tea. I slip outside unnoticed and alone. Sitting on the front porch I hear the low moan of a passing train. It's a sad sound that traveler's siren, metal on metal screeching through the rumbling, reaching 1.5 miles down Old Embreeville road to my waking ears.
Crickets keep the rhythm as a mourning dove pours her heart out. The whole world seems to gently unfold in the early hours. Noises become more intense along with spreading light. Warm tea pushes back the morning damp and cool. I raise my mug in silent cheer to passing cars-fellow travelers- hoping they were driving to something they enjoy. Something nourishing to the spirit.
Fine mist rises up from the field across the street. As I sit and ponder my current state of being I wonder where the road map went. Adults seemed to know exactly what was right or wrong when I was a child. They seemed to have all the answers for everyone. I've chosen a life for which I was given no map. I'm facing changes I don't have a clue how to navigate and it's really ok. Sometimes I just want to be handed the directions though.
I look down at my scarred feet and silently thank them for carrying me so many places, thank them for bringing me to the place I am now.
The light slowly fills up the morning sky, begins spilling into my windows...warm and welcome as it takes away the edge of a restless night. Suma gets his breakfast early, my cat the color of sunsets. He greets the day with much less intellect; human=canned food, sunshine=nap, life. is. good.
I sit wrapped up in my thoughts about children growing up and art and how a morning unfolds with all it's promises. I realize that I write in my head, I search for better words and descriptions to help me clarify what swirls around in muddy ripples. Without sitting down to put words to paper (or computer) it doesn't make me a better writer. It does make me a more interesting thinker I suppose.
"Now I'm hunched over a typewriter I guess you call that paintin' in
a cave And there's a word I can't remember and a feeling I cannot escape"
Within those thoughts I recognize why I really write. I have to. Because it helps me think, it helps me understand myself, it helps me focus that muddy swirl. It doesn't matter if the words are worthy or if anyone else relates to them. They are for me and my journey. I need the words and the exercise of honing them. I need to pour out the words that tease and taunt me, that keep me from sleep. They must need me too because they are a constant.
"And now my ashtray's overflowing I'm still staring at a clean white page Oh and morning's at my window she is sending me to bed again"
Memories of a different time and place, of a restaurant in Pensacola with pita bread and baba ganoush come rushing in. I hear the words spoken so often "today is a new day". Sunrise is renewal, rebirth, new beginnings. It is sunrise whenever we choose to start new, to give ourselves permission to be in this moment without the baggage of perceived failures or mistakes of the past.
Today IS a new day, with all it's potential for beauty. Maybe I can be more like my cat and simply enjoy that sliver of sunshine because it's there.
Another Travelin' Song ~Bright Eyes Well I'm changing all my strings
I'm gonna write another travelin' song about all the billion highways and the cities at the break of dawn I guess the best that I can do now is to pretend
that I've done nothing wrong and to dream about a train that's gonna take me back
where I belong
Well now the ocean speaks and spits and I can hear it
from the interstate and I'm screamin' at my brother
on a cellphone he is far away
And I'm saying nothing in the past or future ever will feel like today until we're parking in an alley
just hoping that our shit is safe
So I go back and forth forever All my thoughts they come in pairs Oh I will, I won't, I doubt, I don't, I'm not surprised but I never feel quite prepared
Now I'm hunched over a typewriter I guess you call that paintin' in a cave
And there's a word I can't remember and a feeling
I cannot escape
And now my ashtray's overflowing I'm still staring at a clean white page Oh and morning's at my window she is sending me to bed again Well I dream the dark on the horizon I dream the desert where the dead lay down
I dream a prostituted child touching an old man
in a fast food crown Oh yeah, I dreamt this ship was sinkin'
there was people screaming all around
And I awoke to my alarm clock
it was a pop song it was playin' loud
So I will find my fears and face them or I will cower like a dog I will kick and scream or kneel and plead I'll fight like hell to hide that I've given up
Saturday, August 01, 2009
I've been pondering my earth and air traits that seem in opposition to each other at times....the incredibly strong appetite for exploring and doing and seeing everything and knowing everyone, balanced with the need for staying put and growing things and going within. The grounded earth energy with the airy wind energy. It seems crazy to have so much of both going on. But there they are.
It leads one to pursue such things as gardening, beekeeping and cooking..things that take time and roots and being still. Then there's art and fashion and makeup, things that take time and swirling here and there and movement. Head in the clouds, feet on the ground. But sometimes it's hard to figure out where to be and how much of the appetite to fulfill. Because the desires want to take me places that could destroy some of the other things that matter too.
So I drive with the windows of my truck down, wind blowing through and through, wondering what the view is like at 4500 feet. But instead of finding out, I drive home to people I love and leave the view for another day perhaps. I blast the music loud and wonder what it would be like to ignore responsiblity and societal taboo and just give in to the whims of the moment. I drive in the dark with the wind and wonder about these things.
I often blame the fact that I was born as a Taurus on the cusp of Gemini. Earth and wind. Venus and Mercury. Persistent and materialistic, imaginative and impulsive. How to tame the desires that one spirit can contain? Should we even try? I have no answers. Some nights when the truck windows are rolled down, the dark and the wind seem to call me down the road. Down the road to I-don't-know-where, or outside-over-there. The music and the dark and the wind....always tugging at my wild-child heart.